When I first entered eating disorder treatment one of the things I worked on was figuring out my triggers. What was my reason for depriving my body of nutrients? I learned that one of my reasons “why” was that I felt I didn’t deserve to eat. For one reason or another, I needed to punish myself for not being worthy of something. For example, if I had said something that hurt someone I loved, I would restrict food as punishment because I wasn’t worthy of forgiveness from that person. Through the years, that no longer topped my list of reasons ”why” I turned to my ED. When I have set backs or full relapse, the main reason is in response to stress, seeking control, or to “numb“ other negative emotions. Punishment was very low on the list. However, lately I am finding my thoughts traveling down that old path again. It isn’t fueling food restriction, but it is messing with my thought process and fueling the fire of my depression.
I have been blessed with the most incredible support system one could ever imagine. I have parents that love me and support me to no end. I have a sister that is always there for me and forgiven me time and time again when I fall short of being a good sister. I have a boyfriend that loves me, supports me, and never tires from reminding me that I am special. The friends I have are there for me day or night, through thick and thin (No pun intended). If there is anyone in this world that should never doubt they are loved and supported, it would be me. But the nasty thing about mental illness is, the brain doesn’t fact check. And if it does, there is a voice in there to say “ehhhhh that may be true, but you don’t deserve their love and support.”
That is what I am struggling with currently. Not feeling as though I am worthy of love, forgiveness, and support. I don’t know why. It’s a scary and lonely feeling. I am working through it by writing in my private journal, being honest with my supports about what I am feeling, and have reached out to my doctor for a meds check. The best thing I’m doing is just taking it day by day, moment by moment. Some days are better than others and some days I struggle just functioning on the most basic human level. Depression is nasty, ugly, and messy. It can feel extremely isolating and make you feel so broken and ”abnormal.” While I feel all of these things, I just want other people to know they aren’t alone in feeling them too.
<3 Stay Strong & Beautiful
I am only using facebook and Instagram as a way to share the new blog posts and then I delete the apps again until I need them the next time! So if you feel the messages you read on here could help someone you know, you are always welcome to share the link on your own socials! 💜