I had really hoped that my body image would neutralize once we were past the wedding. I no longer have the pressure of fitting into a dress, a day filled with photos and eyes on me, but in my mind, I am still hyper focused on my appearance.
Every social outting I am overthinking what I will wear, how I will look to others, and anticipating what others will say or think about how I look. I wear loose fitting tops to hide my insecurities I have with the size of my upper body. This results in an evening of feeling like I look huge, like an overinflated balloon. I attempt to challenge my body image by wearing a more fitted look, to own and accept the body I have. This, of course, results in a spiral of body shaming, ruminating thoughts, and complete dissociation from whatever activity or company I am experiencing. I'm not mindful, not experiencing and living my life. And it's a hell of a beautiful life!
When I step back from my body dysmorphia fueled cycle of thoughts and return to my wise mind, I tend to get really annoyed and pissed off. I'm only objectifying myself in an already objectifying society. When I consider the people I spend the most time around, I can't name a single soul who would love me more if I were thinner, or less if I was bigger. Who the hell am I, to think I'm so important that other people are evening thinking thoughts about how I look? I'm just me. I will always be, just me. People love me for being just me.
A few days ago, my husband and I returned home from a baseball game with friends and I couldn't sit with my inner thoughts alone anymore. I looked at him, asked him if he thought I was pretty and he said "of course I do, you're the most beautiful." I sat on his lap like a child and just cried. Sometimes the weight of my thoughts is too heavy to carry alone. For years my parents helped me carry that weight, and now my husband also helps when the load gets too heavy. I'm so blessed to have people that love me and choose to love me and help me make it out of my toughest moments. You'd think the more help, the lighter the load. I wish my load wasn't so heavy and I wish I didn't have to put it on other people, but I wouldn't be here if I didn't. It can make me feel guilty and lead into self loathing, but that helps no one. I try to keep my moments of self loathing and pity to a minimum, but sometimes you need to give yourself a moment to feel what it is you feel. And in that moment, curled on my husbands lap crying like a small child, I realized that my anxiety, fear, preoccupation, and unsatisfaction about my body and appearance wasn't so much about wanting to please others, it is about wanting to please myself. I don't want to look a certain way to turn heads, gain friends, or get ahead in the world. I want to simply be comfortable and accepted by myself. When I look in the mirror the only person casting judgement and taking inventory of flaws is myself. I am the one that sees my body as an object that needs to meet expectations to have permission to exist in this world with others. Yes, the society in which we live has shaped my permissable "expectations" but I am the one enforcing them.
Coming to that realization felt like a big moment for myself and my recovery. I'm not certain of where to go from here, but my first step is to just process and let that realization sink in with me for a while. I will need to do some thinking and self reflection to decide what it is that will help me feel comfortable with myself. Is it building healthier habits so I can feel confident that I am taking care of the vehicle that is my body, regardless of its size? Is it a little retail therapy to add a few pieces to my wardrobe that make me feel confident? Is it more time spent exploring my beauty ideals through therapy and social media detoxing? I don't have the answer right now, but it's a place to start.
I am completely open to hearing your tips for body acceptance, love, and confidence. We all have our own journies with this, so I am eager to learn from yours!
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💜 Stay Strong and Beautiful