The holidays through me all off my game plan. Before the holidays I was fully invested in my self care and my health. I finally got my medicine back in order, was attending classes at the YMCA that made me feel good about my body, and I was being intentional about the foods I was eating. Like most people the holidays brought endless sweets, lack of structure, a little bit of stress, and bleak winter weather. I tried to give myself the space to experience the holidays knowing once they were over I would hop right back into my previous plan. But it is almost February and I am nowhere near invested in my self care.
January brought a lot of stress. Our 11 year old dog gave us a health scare that resulted in him having surgery. Thankfully, he is fine and he was a champ through the entire recovery process. I also had a week where my body was fighting off something, and my body was beyond exhausted. Finally had a few good days and I laced up my Nikes and went to the YMCA fully pumped to dance out my insecurities at Zumba. Little did I know, the Y rotates their classes and Zumba was no longer on the list. Figured while I was there I might as well hop on the treadmill for a bit. And just when I think I'm finding motivation to invest in myself again, boom: migraine. My migraines take me out for multiple days.
The eating disorder in me views all of the things mentioned above as "excuses." I know people with multiple young children and still manage to exercise like the hulk, look like a model, and run a household. My "wise mind" (therapy coping skill which basically means- knock it off and look at things rationally) tells me I have my body the space to rest when it was tired/Ill and I gave my attention and love to my sweet pup when he needed me.
I've been trying to take baby steps. One day at a time. One meal at a time. I know writing gives me power, so I've tried writing in my personal journal some. My best friend got me two guided journals for Christmas, so I have turned on some acoustic music, gotten out my gel pens and written in those on nights I can't face my reality to put in my own journal. And now, I'm showing up by writing on here.
Before I can get back into my self care routine, I need to first be honest with myself and how I'm doing. I'm not doing well. Fighting for my mental health has been SO exhausting lately and some days just showing up for my basic responsibilities is all I have the energy for. My medicine has skyrocketed in price and every time I refill it something always makes is difficult. Last month I had to get everything reauthoerized with my insurance which added like a week. This month just one of my medications was $400 WITH insurance. Found it cheaper at another pharmacy with a Good RX coupon (praise the Lord for this company) but that meant I had to call to get my prescription transferred, then they had to order the medicine, and I'm almost a week without it still waiting. The struggle to 1. Afford my medicine and 2. just get a refill is so discouraging. It gets really F***in old.
I also need to get honest about my ED behaviors. They are STRONG and I'm really trying not to give into them, but some days I'm too tired to fight it. Some days I feel like it's the only thing I can control. When I know I'm not feeling well, or I have something I need to do after work that will keep me from exercising like I plan, then I alter what I eat and how much. I know I can afford to lose weight. My BMI is in the "overweight" category. And even though my therapist reminds me that BMI is BS and completely outdated, it still means something to my ED. Honestly, just admitting that makes me so embarrassed. I imagine people thinking "wow, what happened to her?" "How did she let herself get that way?". I go through this toxic cycle of "ok, you want to lose weight, that's fine but we're going to do it right." I call this a "manic" recovery day because I'm overcome with motivation and energy to meal prep healthy foods, exercise in a way that makes me feel strong and happy. My "manic" recovery days don't last very long. No surprise as it takes a lot of energy, effort, and doesn't show "results" quickly. ED likes instant gratification. Once my energy has been spent and "doing it the right way" doesn't prove to be fruitful, I turn to my old buddy ED. The ED way gives me a quiet mind, sense of control which I am always searching for, and I know from my past that is typically "works" quickly. I'm being honest with my therapist and am looking into nutrition options. But honestly, just the thought of all of it exhausts me.
I'm tryin y'all, I really am. I don't really have any words of wisdom or game plan to end this one with. I just needed to get this all out, be honest with myself, and put it out there for accountability. Your constant love and support mean the world to me and I thank you for never giving up on me.
<3 Stay Strong and Beautiful