One of the greatest things that came out of the pandemic for myself was this blog. It gave me a place to process my thoughts, share my experiences, and something to dedicate my time to. In the beginning, I was posting every day. It brought me SO much joy to connect with other people and to help people feel as though they weren't alone in a time where we were forced to be exactly that, alone. As the world transitioned back to "normal" society, my focus shifted. I was back to working in person, focusing on grad school, and the other normal responsibilities that consume our time. Writing was moved to the back burner. I would occasionally process in my personal journey, but even that would go months untouched. I can feel a shift in myself when I take time away from writing. It feels like a ship lost at sea. Not going anywhere, just floating along wherever the current wills to take it. When I write, I feel anchored to a shore. I feel like I am driven with a plan and purpose. Unfortunately, knowing this about myself doesn't necessarily steer me to opening my laptop or digging my journal out of my purse.
For a few weeks now I have felt the desire to get back on the blog and resume sharing my story. Tonight, I finally am doing that! I washed my face, put on some comfortable pajamas, poured a big glass of wine, dimmed the lights, and put on some soft acoustic music to set the tone. Writing for me is an experience, the mood needs to be right, and I need to get my mind focused to tell the stories I feel compelled to share. So, here we are! I reread my last post just to make sure I didn't retell any life updates, and I was really taken aback at how I am really not in any different state of mind as I was at the beginning of September. A lot has changed, for the better, since that post, but my mental health and struggles are still very much in that dark place.
The remainder of the month of September consisted of me adjusting to my new job, which has been the most amazing change for me and I am beyond blessed to be doing the work that I am doing, and with the people I get to work alongside. We closed on a house and started the process of moving. Moving out of my childhood home came with a LOT of emotions. It was the house that my mom and step dad bought together. Moving out of that home felt like losing another piece of him. That house was filled with countless memories and was so full of love. I know that a house is just a house, and the memories stay with us forever wherever we go in life, but the house was a physical place we felt connected with him still. It was really hard. Even sitting here thinking about it now brings me to tears. I know he is proud of his girls and the things we have accomplished in the last 8 years. But it doesn't take away the unfairness we feel going through milestones in our lives without him being physically present.
October was an absolute whirlwind of a month. The first weekend was my best friend's wedding. The second week we moved on a Thursday, and on Saturday my sister got married. We had a few weekends to make our house habitable, then went out of town for the last weekend to see another friend's wedding in North Carolina. Don't get me wrong, it was all amazing things that happened, but the stress and complete exhaustion cannot be put into words. Needless to say, I haven't had much time at all to focus on bettering my mental health, if anything, I have ignored it for so long that now it is screaming for my attention by getting worse. For weeks I would get bursts of anxiety and panic thinking that I picked the wrong wedding dress. I even had nightmares about it. My mind constantly reminded me of how embarrassing I will look in my dress. People will talk and make comments. I will be the only bride in the history of the universe that won't look beautiful on her wedding day. Questioning the existence of genuine friendships in my life, and don't even get me started on my anxiety over cleaning the house. When I get stressed I become OCD about cleaning the house- floors, dust on baseboards, crumbs on the counter, you name it and I will find it and make it into a MUCH bigger issue than it actually is. Last week was wakeup call for me when I started sobbing and hyperventilating over how overwhelmed I felt with how many dirty dishes were in the sink that needed to be washed. Like, what?! Who does that?! Me. I do that. The smallest, most mundane, task that I do EVERY DAY caused me to completely melt into a panic attack. That's when you know you gotta figure things out.
I am trying to give myself some grace as I have had a lot of changes in the last several months, and change is one of my biggest triggers. Change means a loss in control on some level, and if you haven't read the blog for long, just know that control is my main M.O. When I don't have it, I will find it anywhere that I can, unfortunately that's often when food becomes the thing I can control, hence the eating disorder. But, I digress. Amid all the changes my medicine has also gotten all out of whack. I have run out of refills for this, the pharmacy is out of this, have to wait for my new insurance to kick in so I don't have to pay retail for this med because it is $2,987,493,854 dollars....you name it and it has happened. So my brain chemistry is completely imbalanced. Add in the dreary Ohio weather (gray, cold, wet) and the onset of SAD (seasonal affect disorder) and I feel like I am going through the motions of daily life like Eeyore. I do my best to hide it which is probably part of the reason I am tired all of the time.
You know I like to leave my rants with my game plan. If I am going to come on here and write about a struggle, I feel like it is just whining if I don't create an action plan. So here is the plan:
Tomorrow I am going to contact local doctors and therapists to try and get established at places that are closer to my new house
Set up appointments with new providers if I find them
If not, get an appointment with my previous doctor to at least bridge the time it takes to find a local option
Get my meds on track!!
I will write in my personal journal twice a week
As open as I am on here, there are still things I am not ready or brave enough to admit here
I will post on the blog once a week
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<3 Stay Strong and Beautiful