Life is SOOOO busy right now and I wish I could be writing more on here, but time and energy are limited. I just started my FINAL semester of my masters program. Which means keeping up with two course loads while writing my two comprehensive exams. In addition to school, and of course work, I am helping my sister plan her wedding AND my own!!! All amazing, exciting, and things I have been waiting a long time for, but also a very easy “in” for my eating disorder.
In the middle of making to do lists, scheduling time for homework, venue visits, and staying in touch with my loved ones, my mind wonders. I become hyper focused on how uncomfortable I feel in my skin. Not “I’m fat and need to lose weight“ but “I feel uncomfortable and wish I felt proud of my health”. It is really easy for my brain to equate feeling “uncomfortable“ with “being fat”. It takes a lot of self talk, seeking support, and CHOOSING recovery to keep myself from engaging in ED behaviors. But choosing recovery isn’t that simple, it takes a LOT of energy. Yesterday I didn’t have it in me. I slept most of the day yesterday and wallowed in my self hatred. I had school work that I needed to get done to stay on track, but I just could not.
This morning I knew I had to do something different. I couldn’t allow myself to sleep another day away. I HAD to show up for myself today. Before my brain could even start making excuses, I got right to my paper. I spent three hours working on my paper and then I allowed myself time to rest. I snuggled in bed for about an hour with little guilt.
When I got up it was time to go get groceries. In my search for control over my busy life, it is usually food I control. Restricting is not an option, but I can choose to eat foods that don’t trigger my brain to flip out. I decided to take it back to basics and pre-plan and pre-package my meals for the week. This felt like control for me. At the store I looked for variety. Too often I eat out of habit and end up eating the same 4 things. So as I shopped, I took my time looking for macros: carbs, protein, and EFs (treatment‘s non triggering way of referring to fats).
When I got home, I cleaned and cut my fruits and vegetables and got out five brown paper bags. On each bag I wrote the day of the week and listed what I would eat for breakfast and lunch for that day. After I wrote out my meals, I prepared and packaged up all the components and put them in the refrigerator. This helps for a lot of reasons:
1- keeps me from having to decide on what to eat last minute as I am rushing out the door. Deciding on food is never easy for me anyway!
2- I know the foods I am eating fit my meal plan even if my brain is telling me “I’m uncomfortable”
3- saves me time in the morning!
4- I can feel proud and confident about what I am feeding my body.
It took me 4 hours to shop, clean and prep food, decide meals and package them. But I wouldn’t change it. Investing my time in nourishing my body is respecting my body. My body shows up for me every day, even on days when I abuse it.
I am continuing to honor my body, soul, and recovery by taking some time for self care. After I post this, I am going to put on comfortable clothes and give myself an manicure while listening to an audiobook. Then to get a good night sleep and do it all again tomorrow!
<3 Stay Strong and Beautiful
