I finally did it. I graduated with my Master’s degree from the University of Tennessee!! What an emotional day that was. It was a day I never imagined would come. The last two years of my life have been dedicated to school- reading, research, writing paper after paper. I no longer wake up every day and plan out my days to the minute around my to do list of assignments. Now, I just have time. The start of a new chapter.
A few weeks ago I started a new job. I left the comforts of my precious job that I loved for a chance to get back in the classroom. I’m now a preschool teacher! I love it, but it doesn’t come without its challenges. I’m used to working with school age children, so these tiny humans are new to me. Change, as I have mentioned before, is one of my eating disorders favorite triggers. Thoughts of being inadequate swirl my head. My taking time to learn all the ins and outs of my new position are twisted into “you aren’t doing enough, you should be doing it all.” No one is expecting me to walk in and begin doing everything at once, but myself. I’m struggling to give myself the time and grace to take each day one at a time and ask the questions when I have them. My focus right now is building my classroom family and routines.
Last week I have the amazing opportunity to attend a week long intensive training with five other women from the company. We all work at different locations, so I was really nervous. Meeting new people and carrying on conversation is something I find very uncomfortable. Luckily, they made it so easy to relax and just have fun. I am so grateful for that experience and chance to build strong bonds with my coworkers.
The down side to the week was eating out for every meal for a whole week. l already struggle with digestion, but eating out all week has made me feel soooo uncomfortable. In my head I’ve gained 2 tons in the last week. I am trying my best to breathe and be patient with my body as I get back into my normal routine, but ED wants instant results. Meaning urges to engage in ED behaviors and constant nagging about how huge my body is. I’m laying in bed trying to breathe through the anxiety of returning to a classroom that was missing their teacher for a week (chaos for all my non education friends) and shut out the ED noise. Sitting with your insecurities and anxiety is one of the hardest things to do. Sunday scaries on steroids.
To all my Sunday night anxiety friends, I’m with you and wish you well!
<3 stay strong and beautiful