This week has been packed full! Writing has been on my list for a few days, but I haven't been able to find the time. Today I finally have a few minutes to breathe and write! So much has happened in the last week: We found a house and have it under contract. While this is super exciting, it is also super stressful! There are still a few obstacles standing in the way from it being ours. We have to make sure the house appraises and that nothing major shows up in the inspection. I hope and pray everything works out!
I also started my Master's program! Again, super exciting, but stressful. There is a lot of reading involved and I am an extremely slow reader. I also don't learn the best just from reading. I worry that I won't be successful. The summer sessions are extremely fast paced and there is a lot to do in such a short period of time. I worry that I am not smart enough to think deeply about the subjects and that I will look stupid in front of the smart people in my class. I worry about not having time to do anything fun, like all my time will be work and school. But I have to use my wise mind to combat all the self doubt. I know that I am smart. I love my classmates and already feel comfortable asking them for help. My professor is very nice and genuinely wants his students to be successful. I may not have a ton of free time, but when I do get time to do something besides school and work, I will appreciate it more and hopefully be more present in the moment. I can do this and I will do this.
Despite all the exciting things going on right now, there is an old Eating Disorder tactic creeping back into my life that I haven't experienced in probably ten years- the question of worth and punishment. This was something that was a huge thing back when I was very engaged in my ED. If I made a mistake, I felt like I had to punish myself through my food. If someone was unhappy with me, then I was instantly unworthy of love from them and everyone else in the world. Both of those feelings can become so strong that they are hard to fight no matter how many years of therapy I have had. I have noticed these two feelings coming back in the past month or so. I dwell on the things I have said or done and let them reflect my worthiness of love and degree in which I should punish myself. I have been able to fight off the urge to punish myself, but unfortunately that makes me feel even less worthy of love. I feel like everyone in my life is a better person than I am. That I am not deserving of their love and forgiveness. I've mentioned in another post that I have moments when I let my anger get the best of me and I say things that are hurtful to people I love with all my heart. It is these moments that specifically make me feel unworthy of love. How can someone say hurtful things to someone and still deserve to be loved? Lately I have had a really hard time forgiving myself even after other people forgive me. It is like their forgiveness is not enough, like I need to do more on my own to "repent." Without allowing myself punish myself with food, the thoughts get darker. I will admit that I have had thoughts that the only way to make things right would be if I wasn't on earth anymore. That is the hardest thing to think, feel, and believe. It is a lonely place, a desperate place. When I have these thoughts I have to reach out to support to make it through. If you have ever gotten that call or text from me, I am sorry that you had to carry that weight, but I am forever grateful for you getting me out of that headspace.
This is something that I will DEFINITELY be talking to my therapist about at our next appointment.
If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts please reach out for help at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. No matter what you thoughts are telling you, YOU MATTER AND DESERVE TO LIVE.
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<3 Stay Strong and Beautiful