ED has a strong grip this time. My behaviors have not improved, in fact they have become easier to do and with less guilt. I am tired ALL THE TIME because I am not providing my body with enough fuel to do normal everyday tasks. Things are not good and I know that, but I wasn't prepared for what came yesterday.
I have been honest with my parents about my struggle. Usually that is enough to snap me out of my ED trance, but this time it wasn't. Yesterday my mom gave me a huge wake up call. She respected my process as she has in the past, but she realized that my process was not working this time. She's taking the steps we took as a family back in 2009 when I was initially diagnosed and placed in treatment. All meals are logged, all meals must be eaten in full, and meal logs are reported nightly to both mom and dad. Lunches are "supervised." I say it with "" because I am at work and can't have someone with my every day, so during lunch I am in communication with either my mom or dad and sending pictures during my meal and after. This includes photos of my trash can to prove I didn't just toss my meal. Steps that need to be taken, I know, but it really took me back 12 years to the days when I had to keep the door open when I used the restroom within an hour of eating. In the evenings it is all up to my boyfriend to prepare meals and to ensure that I eat everything on my plate.
After the plan was established, I sat at my desk at work and cried. How did I get here? I felt so embarrassed for my boyfriend to see this side of my disease. He met me 7 years into recovery, strong in my health and somewhat carefree. I was eating with ease most of the time and was an avid Yogi because I LOVED the way it made me feel strong and proud of my body's abilities. He's never had to monitor my eating habits, watch me pack my lunch like a child just piecing together random food items from the refrigerator. I worried his view of me and his love for me would change. After all, he didn't sign up to "parent" his girlfriend. After a group chat with my mom to instruct him on his role in restoring my health, I texted him to apologize. I told him my fears and he assured me that his love for me would not change, but still I worried.
I began to feel so much guilt for putting him through this. I know what it is like to be on the other side. Before him I was in a relationship with someone that struggled with addiction. Being his support was A LOT. It began to affect my own mental health and triggered my ED and I had to remove myself from the situation. I know how a person can only be strong for so long before they have to put themselves first. I didn't want my current boyfriend to feel the way I did in the past.
When I got home that evening he wasn't at home. Not long after, he came home with a car load of groceries. Many of which were things that were to help me eat more. He got things like yogurt cups, fruit snacks, protein bars, and cheese sticks. That was all I needed to make all my worries of his love for me changing disappear. I gave him a huge hug and thanked him for everything he was doing for me. Even more than that, he didn't look at me or speak to me any different.
While the thought of eating more than I want to and the supervised meals don't make me happy, I know that it's what I need to do. It might be a long road back on track, but I have the best of the best in my corner holding my hand on the journey and I couldn't be more grateful.
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<3 Stay Strong and Beautiful