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Stuck in Neutral

I'm sitting here on the couch just staring out the window with no thoughts swirling through my mind. Not stressing about food, not stressing about weight, just nothing. The weather outside matches how I feel inside- grey, cloudy, and rainy. Nothing to spark joy or even sadness. Just completely apathetic. In theory it sounds like a nice break from the usual ED noise. But it's not, it's depression. And today it has won.

The day started out productive. But by 1:00, I was completely defeated. No energy to do anything, even if I had the desire to do anything. I put off making phone calls because I didn't want to talk to anyone. The thought of writing today didn't even motivate me. I have nothing useful to say. As I sit here typing my brain is completely blank. I wish I had something insightful to shed light on, but I don't.

Depression is like that sometimes. Like a car stuck in neutral- not really going anywhere. Sometimes just getting out of bed, brushing your teeth, and feeding yourself is a triumphant victory. That is where I am today. I start to get down on myself for braiding my hair instead of washing it or for taking some time to take a nap instead of crossing things off of my to-do list, but I have to stop myself. I switch the roles in my head. If my mom, sister, or friends told me they were having one of these days would I ridicule them for showing themselves grace and doing the best they could?

Absolutely not! I would compliment them for making it out of bed. I would tell them that it is okay to give yourself a slow day every once in a while. I would offer my support and love. It is important that I do that with myself too. It is so easy for us to dish out love, understanding, encouragement, and grace to others, but it is so important that we give the same to ourselves and truly believe it.

<3 Stay Strong and Beautiful

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