The last several months have been a whirlwind for me. I didn't abandon my blog, I just needed to step back for a while and prioritize all of the things that were mounting on my "plate." In the spring I had a relapse that gave me a run for my money. I stopped eating and stopped caring that I wasn't eating. My depression consumed me so much that daily functioning was physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting. Waking up, putting on a happy face for work, then coming home to attend evening classes or studying if it was a night I didn't have class, took everything in me. On top of those obligations, I also returned to weekly visits with a therapist. Therapy, at that time, felt like just one more thing I had to "do." Another obligation. Another thing I had to "show up" for. When people asked me how I was doing, the only way I knew how to respond was "tired." It was the best way I could sum it up. I was tired, in every way a person could possibly be.
Luckily, meds were adjusted, therapy helped me get back on track, and school slowed down. Since then, I have been trying to just live day to day and experience each day to the fullest possible. I am trying to be more mindful and live in the present moment. My anxiety and type A personality often make that very difficult. I spend a lot of my time stressing over things on my to-do list, or things that are in the future and out of my control. Sometimes my brain gets so bogged down with anxiety that the only way I can focus is by opening the "reminders" app on my phone and making a list of all the things circulating in my head. Once they are all out of my head, I can move them around, prioritizing them. Once I can move past the anxiety storm, I can focus on what is going on in the present moment. In the last few months that has included marking 12 years in recovery, a vacation with my mom and sister, two of my best friends having their first babies, celebrating 5 years with my best friend, and one semester closer to receiving my Master's degree from my dream school.
Even in my 12th year of recovery, I still have dark times with my mental health. Depression and anxiety are things that I have to stay on top of. I have to make sure I take my medicine regularly no matter how good I feel I am doing. I have made the mistake in the past of "feeling good" and thinking I no longer needed to take my antidepressant and anti anxiety medicine. Not long after making this decision I would be reminded of their vital role in my life. I feel good BECAUSE of them. I still have days that I have to grab a pen and paper and write down everything I have eaten in the day and tally up my macros to prove to my ED dominated brain that I haven't eaten "too much." I still have days I am calling and texting my parents for support and reminders of my basic coping skills to get me through a rough day. I will always have to choose to do the work required for recovery. But like I have said many times before, and will say until my last breath, it is always worth it to live a life of recovery. The work it takes to live in recovery is nowhere near the work it takes to live deep in an eating disorder.
<3 Stay Strong and Beautiful!
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