Change has always been a trigger for me. It triggers anger, sadness, and most of all, fear. When things in my life change I notice my struggle with my eating disorder intensifies. This happens with all changes in my life, the good, bad, big, and small. Right now my life is experiencing two big, and exciting, changes. We are currently looking to buy a house AND I am getting ready to go back to school to earn my Master's degree. Two things that I am really excited for and have been wanting, but bring on anxiety and increased ED noise.
We have been looking for houses on and off for a while now, but seriously looking for a few months. In the last three weeks we have fallen in love with two houses and put in two offers, both were not the winning bid. The market is insane right now despite the pandemic. Houses are selling within hours of being put on the market and if you're lucky enough to see it before its gone, then you are looking at a multiple offer situation. One of the houses we put an offer on ended up with nine other offers! The cycle of seeing a home, getting excited, imagining your future in that house, and then finding out someone else got the house is truly heartbreaking! It really does deflate your soul a little bit. The waiting to find out whether you got the house or not after putting in an offer makes me so anxious. Sleep is rough and every time my phone shows a notification my heart sinks. Luckily, we aren't under any pressure to move so we can take our time. I have always been a firm believer that "everything happens for a reason" and "what is meant to be will always work itself out" so I am repeating both of those things to myself.
That brings us to grad school. I am starting classes online from the University of Tennessee for school psychology. UT was my dream school for my undergrad, but due to my eating disorder that kept getting delayed. So, this is like my second chance! I get to stay in Ohio and still earn a degree from my dream school. I love this program because it is people from all over the country, most of whom are working full time like me. I am so excited to start because I am kind of a book nerd. I LOVE to learn new things and the feeling when I get a good grade. It is like a high for me, but really it is just pride. With any change comes fear and doubt. I worry that I won't be able to balance work, school, and personal life. I worry that I am not smart enough. I am worried that I will fail. I am worried that I won't be able to afford it. Some of these fears are rational, but as you probably noticed, some are ED driven. I am doing my best to reassure myself that I can do it. I AM smart enough. I graduated college with a 3.9 GPA and got all A's. When I am studying something I am interested in I seem to soak in the information like a sponge. I can and will be successful. I have support from family and friends that will encourage me along the way.
Like any change I experience I have to remain strong in my recovery. I have to promise to not let the changes I am experiencing compromise my health. Now more than ever I will stick to my meal plan and make sure I am taking my medicine. I will schedule therapy appointments and keep them, even if I don't think I have anything to talk about. I will be honest with my support system about any struggles or triggers I am experiencing. And like always, I will stay STRONG and beautiful.
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<3 Stay Strong and Beautiful