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Go On and Cry

Right before everything started shutting down in March, I noticed my mental health beginning to decline. My anxiety was up, ED noise was getting louder, and I was hyper focused on the food I was consuming. The quarantine just made it even worse and to top it off my depression has increased significantly. Today has been really tough...

I woke up at my normal time, brushed my teeth, fed my cat, and made something for breakfast. I just got groceries yesterday, so I was excited to have an apple with my breakfast. I ate my breakfast and logged on my computer to start my work day. I felt hopeful for my day. I knew the weather was going to be warm so I wanted to get out and take a walk with my dog later. I had plans to meet a friend at a new juice/smoothie bar and hopefully sit outside and enjoy. But, my depression had other ideas for my day.

Half way through my first meeting of the day, I hit a wall. My mood and optimism for the day had suddenly plummeted. I could no longer focus on my meeting, I was completely spaced out. I became super tired and all I wanted was to crawl back in to bed and sleep the rest of the day away. The thought of getting cleaned up and going to see my friend made me feel more tired and empty. I went to the bathroom to try to snap out of it. I thought maybe getting out of my pajamas and fixing my hair would make me feel a little more motivated. I just got a new tank top that I couldn't wait to wear. It says "no labels." Of course I had to get it, especially since I just had a post about not having a label. I had ordered from this brand many, many times, but something has changed and the shirt fit too small. Having that not fit only made my outlook worse. It felt like this tank top validated all of ED's opinions of my body:

"I told you that you were fat."

"That would have fit great a few weeks ago when you were restricting your food."

As much as I believed ED's words, I knew I had to try to press on. I put the new tank back on the hanger and opened my drawer to find another one that would be less triggering. The ill fitting tank top was still nagging at me though. ED was having a hay day. By now it was time for my Telehealth meeting with my nurse practitioner that oversees all my mental health medications. The center I have gone to for over 10 years was recently bought out by a larger Eating Disorder program. I don't do well with change. I learned that with this new organization employees that had been at the center since it first opened had lost their jobs. This was not okay with me, but I know that I can't save the world and what was done was done. What I didn't know, was that in order for me to continue receiving med management services from them I have to either be seeing a nutritionist or therapist regularly though them. I have been with my current therapist for quite a few years now, and I moved to her new clinic with her because we connect so well. So changing to one of their therapists is completely out. It would be good for me to see my nutritionist more regularly, than I do now on an as need basis, but my insurance doesn't cover nutrition visits and it is expensive. I can have my primary care physician take over my meds, but I have always had a sense of security knowing the person prescribing my meds has a special interest in eating disorders. Finding that out today from my NP was what it took to break me today.

After my call, I texted my friend and cancelled our plans. I was honest with her about what I am feeling today and I am lucky that she understood and was supportive. Then I went downstairs, wrapped my arms around my boyfriend and just started crying. He asked what was wrong and I said "I'm just sad." I explained to him what was going on with my ED center and how frustrated I was with that. He listened and held me while I had a good little cry. Crying helps so much. It releases all the feelings you can't put into words.

After crying I immediately opened my laptop to start writing and here we are. Crying did make me feel better, but I still feel sad and empty. I still have the overwhelming desire to crawl back into bed and try again tomorrow. I am still behind on my meal plan for today because of the depression and ED noise. I still hate how I look so badly that I want to physically unzip my skin and crawl out.

Some days it is okay to let yourself feel the way you do, and sometimes I do allow that. I let myself be consumed by the depression with the understanding that tomorrow is a new day and I won't let it happen two days in a row. And sometimes, I have JUST enough fight left in me to take charge of my day. That is what I am going to attempt to do for the remainder of today. After I post this, I am going to print off a CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) worksheet my therapist sent me and complete it. I am going to go to the kitchen and find things to fill the gaps in my meal plan. Then I am going to read. Will it make anything feel better? I don't know, but I am going to give it a shot.

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<3 Stay Strong and Beautiful

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