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For No Reason At All

I've written before about my struggle with depression. Depression looks and feels different for everyone. For me, it is this feeling of numbness. Not necessarily sad, just empty. I reach out to friends and family just to get some reassurance that my life has purpose because my brain doesn't believe so. Their first question is usually "what's on your mind?" or "what's wrong?" I totally understand why that is the first question. Depression is often associated with sadness and being sad is usually triggered by an event. Even my eating disorder is usually triggered by a specific event. But my depression doesn't. It pops up and increases in intensity for no reason at all.

Well, it has happened again. A few weeks ago I started getting into a funk. Increased anxiety, irrational fears, and then just numb. I wake up feeling emotionally hung over. I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. I think of things I need to accomplish for the day and immediately feel defeated and overwhelmed. The thought of leaving my house sends me into a slight panic attack. Nothing feels safe except for when I am laying in bed. Even sitting here typing this my brain is thinking things like: "no one cares", "you have nothing important to say", "you are just taking up space with no purpose."

I'm doing my best to fight through it but also showing my mind and body some respect for what it needs. Whenever I struggle I always share with you my game plan. Sharing my struggle hopefully will help others feel not so alone in their own fight, but it is also to remind others that even when you are struggling, you need a game plan.

So here it is:

  1. Email my therapist to schedule an appointment ASAP. Her online schedule looks like she is booked until Christmas, but I know this needs addressed sooner and I know she will work with me.

  2. Keep talking to my support system

  3. Start each day with a set plan of what NEEDS to be done (personal hygiene, eat, work responsibilities, attend class, etc)

  4. Make sure I don't miss any doses of my medicine

  5. Breathe

  6. Make lists of things I am grateful for and look forward to in the future

Depression is not always easy to spot. I am sure some of my family and friends that read this will be surprised to learn I am currently struggling. I work hard to hide it and appear to be "business as usual." Sometimes, on the other hand, it is very obvious. Either way, it is hard to know how to help. My suggestion, is make your love and support be known. Check in often and listen without judgement.

If you are struggling with depression, don't wait to ask for help. Call you doctor, go to an emergency room, call a friend, stay at someone's house so you aren't alone. I am going to include the suicide prevention hotline number because you never know who needs to see it and have hope that someone is there to help and listen.


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<3 Stay Strong and Beautiful

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