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  • Writer's picture<3 K

Don’t Leave Me

It’s no secret that I have an aversion to change. All my life I have hated when things change. It doesn’t even matter what kind of change it is. But I never understood why I feared “good changes” the most. A family member or friend getting pregnant. Someone announcing an engagement. Moving to new homes. All things that should be met with excitement, instinctually send me running to my dark cave of fear. Was I jealous? Jealous that I wasn’t the one getting engaged or becoming a mother? Was I a bad person for not initially being happy for the people I love? I always equated this reaction to a mix of jealousy and sheer phobia of change. But a few weeks ago I read an article from The Mighty about fear of abandonment, and it all seemed to make sense. I wasn’t jealous, or afraid of the change itself. I was (and am) afraid of being abandoned by the loved one experiencing the change.

For example, starting back to when my parents were both dating after divorcing one another. I did everything in my power to push the new significant other out of my parents‘ lives. HATED the person they dated. Were they bad people? Not even close. They loved me so much more than I knew possible, and I eventually loved them as much as my own mom and dad. But looking back, it was the fear that my mom and dad wouldn’t love, need, or have time for me anymore.

This also happened when I found out my step mom was going to be having a baby with my dad. My first reaction? Anxiety and tears. I was afraid she wouldn’t love me as much now that she would have her own flesh and blood child. I would no longer be special, important, or relevant.

My fear of abandonment also trickles over into my romantic life. I am CONSTANTLY asking my boyfriend if he loves me, even though I know whole heartedly that he does. When he inevitably says yes to my question, I follow up by asking “do you promise?”, “are you sure?”, “forever?”. Questions I am sure he gets tired of answerin, but lucky for me, he always does with sincerity. He has never given me reason to doubt his love for me, but past relationships have. I’ve been cheated on, told “I love you”, promised forever with a ring, all to have it end in flames and heartbreak. And some of those heart breaks nearly ruined me.

As I near 30, my friends are getting married and announcing pregnancies left and right. Because I love them with all my heart I am excited for all of them, but there is always that strange negative feeling that always creeps in. Now I know that this isn’t jealousy, it’s fear of being abandoned by them. Fear that our friendship will become distanced because of them being a married woman or mother, and me being neither. My fear is that I become irrelevant in their new life stage. They won’t have time to be my friend anymore. No more time to get together for drinks, nights out, or calls on the phone. I know it is silly, but it just is what it is.

I will post the link to the article below. It is a really interesting read! You may not have the same fear, but someone you know might, and this article can help you identify this fear in others.

Feel free to share the link to this post or other posts on my blog on your social media. You never know who may need to read these stories.

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<3 Stay Strong and Beautiful

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