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Darkness

The last week has been extremely dark for me mentally. Depression has been in the driver's seat with anorexia riding shot gun. Most days I have woken up in the morning, just to move to the couch to continue sleeping another 4 hours. I am constantly tired, never hungry, and feeling the complete numbness that only anorexia can bring. Usually I am very good at masking the darkness residing in my soul, but lately I haven't been able to. I cry to the point of hyperventilating, calls go unanswered, and texts from friends are left on read. Full isolation. Walls up, everybody out.


I mentioned in my last post that tell on myself to regain the power, and I have been trying to do that, but I have to admit that there have been days that I don't want to tell on myself. I want to remain numb and continue restricting. I say that, and at the same time I don't want to return to high levels of care, I don't want my life disrupted with inconveniently timed doctors appointments, I don't want to damage my body more than I already have. I want to live a carefree life, full of love and experiences, making memories with friends and family. But right now, the depression and anorexia are SO strong that I don't have the energy to put in the effort to live the life I dream of. I have admitted my behaviors to my mom, dad, boyfriend, and a few close friends. It has helped hold me accountable and fight harder than I may "want" to in this moment.


For my dad, I continue to fight because he fights his own battle with diabetes every day. He too gets tired of it, but doesn't give up. I also know how much he loves me and wants me to be on this earth in a healthy body. My mom as well.


For my mom, I fight because I hate seeing and hearing the heartbreak in her eyes and voice when she tells me she is worried about me. I can't imagine as a parent what it is like to hear your daughter say the things I say about myself, and see the things I do to my perfectly good body. They created me out of love and they have raised me with such immense love and pride just to see me hate every cell of my existence. It's not fair to them.


I fight for my boyfriend because he keeps me going. He loves me exactly as I am. When I can't decide deal with food he takes over and makes sure there is food made for dinner so all I have to do is eat it. He makes me laugh, makes me smile, and makes me feel safe and calm. He has a very tough job of holding me through my emotional break downs and irrational thoughts. He doesn't judge them, just calms them.


I have had relapses in the past. Some would just be a few slip ups of behaviors, others would be behaviors that lasted a few weeks or months until I got my act together. But this time feels different and it scares me. The thought of continued behaviors, even escalating behaviors doesn't feel like a big deal. ED lies to me by making me believe that when I am ready I can just stop. But I know that he will make sure I am never "ready". I need to make the decision to change despite what I am "ready" for.


I have set up an appointment with my therapist, but it isn't until next month. I have started logging my meals. It is shocking to see at the end of the day what I have eaten. To most it would amount to one meal, but in my sick mind it is still "too much". I wake up each day trying to leave the behaviors of yesterday in the past and start fresh. Baby steps and grace. I pack my lunch, any amount that I can bare. And eat a full dinner with the comfort and support of my boyfriend. I am making sure I don't miss any doses of my medicine to help with the depression. Staying busy has helps, but it isn't always easy to do when all you want to do is isolate and sleep. Super big thanks to my best friend for making plans with me to have dinner and watch a movie with me and thanks to my parents for encouraging me to stick with those plans.


I really wish that just making an action plan was enough to bounce back from a relapse. It is a starting point, but not enough on its own. It will take patience and grace. There will be days ahead where I view eating as a "failure" because ED is the prominent voice of my thoughts. I will cry more tears before meals, during meals, and after. My hands will shake and my chest will grow tight. But all the while I will put one foot in front of the other and take baby steps back to recovery.


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<3 Stay Strong and Beautiful

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