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Chapter 1

I've tried blogging about my journey before, and with one of them I had a really good thing going! However, something always seems to get in the way. Before it was being in college. Then, it was starting out in a high demand career. While there will always be things in life to draw my attention away from telling my story, I have found new inspiration to pick up where I left off and keep going. But before that I feel like I need to tell the beginning of my journey for people who may be new.

My senior year of high school (2009) is when I began restricting severely and losing a lot of weight. It wasn't long before my BMI was officially underweight. I weighed myself everyday to gauge how I would eat that day, or if I would at all. It crossed my mind here and there that I may have an eating disorder, but I felt so in control of the situation that it couldn't be true. Another reason why I didn't believe I had a problem was because I didn't think I was "thin enough" to be considered anorexic. If only I knew then, that eating disorders come in all sizes. You don't have to meet a goal to be considered anorexic or bulimic.  

After graduation my parents told me if I didn't enter a treatment center and get healthy, then I would not be going away for school. The University of Tennessee had always been my dream college and I had been accepted, so there was no way I was going to miss out on that. I figured, I'll go to this stupid center, do what they say and get the Hell out of Ohio. Once in treatment, I was formally diagnosed with anorexia and severe depression and still it didn't mean anything to me. I still felt in control and that every one else is the world was just freaking stupid and trying to run my life. A few days into treatment, after refeeding my body back to life, I began to realize that I was really sick. I heard all of the stories from the other women in my center and related so much to them, that it had to be true that I had an eating disorder. My initial reaction was fear. I was so afraid of what I had done to my body, while still being afraid to gain weight even if it was for my health. 

The further I got in treatment, the more I learned about my ED (short for Eating Disorder) and what fueled it. The fear went away and the anger set in. Realizing the events that lead up to my illness made me so frustrated and almost hopeless feeling. It was something I didn't ask to happen to me and it began sinking in that I had been given a life sentence. Lucky for me though, I have the power to make that life sentence what I want it to be. I know I complain a lot about having ED and get mad about it, but at the end of the day I am not helpless. I have been given the tools and resources to make my life what I want it to be, regardless of my past. My ED is something that could have popped his ugly head up at any point in my life, so I need to separate ED from my past and just deal with him for the sake of my future.

If you've read this far and done the math, you know that this has been in my life for almost 11 years. Like I said earlier, I have written about my road in recovery on other blog platforms but have decided to pick it up again. Being in quarantine has been a challenge for all of us, and for me, falling back into my eating disorder behaviors brings a sense of comfort and control to my life. After having a very direct conversation with my therapist yesterday (more on that to come) I realized that I have other coping skills that bring me a sense of comfort and control that are much healthier, and writing is one of them. I journal for private use, but I have always felt like this recovery journey was bigger than me. Like one of my purposes in life is to advocate and educate the world about eating disorders, also to help those living in recovery or making that scary decision to seek treatment.

So here we are.

Blog number three (only because I forgot the log in info for the other 2 :-P. )

A blank page to start something new and beautiful.

Inspired and Empowered.

Stay Tuned.... Please :)

Stay Strong and Beautiful! <3

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